oh man, today was incredible! increible! first, let me just say that yesterday was pretty amazing too... i'll tell you about that first. Are you ready for this? It's absolutely amazing... i JOGGED!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! I actually jogged yesterday! I know what you're thinking... it's a pretty lame thing to be excited about. But considering the fact that i haven't been able to walk more than a mile or even think about jogging without my back jumping into spasm for over three or four months now, it's pretty damn exciting. I couldn't even drive two months ago for crying out loud. I had to balance on a damn floaty ring (yes those little rings kids sit/swim in when they're like 5... not a pool but the little blow up floating device) just to be able to drive my car. And now i'm jogging!!! i remember crying in the room with my doctor so discouraged because i'd been in therapy for almost a month, and i still didn't have any progress. I honestly thought i would never be able to jog again. She ended up giving me free laser treatments cause she felt so bad for me. And now, here i am! Okay so granted i only jogged MAYBE a quarter mile yesterday... probably not even that... but still... i JOGGED!! it was so awesome. Today when i woke up i was pretty sore, but it was definately worth it. And then, TODAY when i got done driving the kids around, i went to the gym and got on the stair stepper (the tredmill was taken) and i did that for 5 minutes on a slow walking-type setting and then another 5 minutes on the faster jogging-type setting. And THEN i walked about a quarter to a half mile down the road to where the side walk ends, and JOGGED all the way home without having to stop once!! And now, i have for the first time in my life felt the uncomfortable pain of shin splints! and I don't even care! cause at least i can HAVE shin splints... before i wouldn't have been able to get them if i tried! Now my muscles OTHER than my back can actually be sore!! Gosh, i'm soo happy!! Plus jogging is like my one and only HUGE way of getting rid of stress and sad feelings... and i definately have been needing that in my life. So basically i'm sooo siked. Hopefully before too long i will be able to start juggling again. I have a feeling that will be quite a while still, but i'll get there, and then my life will be happy again. :) oh my gosh i miss my soccer ball!!!! i can't even touch it, cause i know i'll start trying to do too much and hurt myself again... i even brought it to seattle cause i can't go anywhere without it. I brought my copas too... but that was more in hopes that i would find a cute guy who might be able to fit into them.... mmm mmm mmm! sexy! :) wow, i have issues. most people fantasize about whipped cream and chocolate syrup... haha. anyway, this whole journal thing has gone steeply downhill... by the way, i read something from jo el today... an email (but one of the mass kind) and i can't help thinking of bokonon... sigh... what has happened to me. my life used to be good. oh well... i guess if my life kinda sucks, it means that somebody's life out there has to be good just to even things out, so i will be thankful for that. Hopefully it is somebody's life who i care about very much. sometimes i feel like if i suck up all the bad then maybe it will make other things good. Like the other day, mrs hwang wasn't feeling well and i thought to myself "god, please take mrs. hwang's pain and give it to me... make my back hurt more today, so that she can feel better" and that's just one tiny example. That's not even somebody i care all that much about. I mean i care about her, just not all THAT much. ya know. Anyway, can i confess something on here?? well i sorta have to to keep it juicy so people will actually continue reading it. :-P okay, so back in the day, quite some time ago mind you, but back when i was crazy about this boy... and i'm not talking about pooh head, this was much before him... anyway, his name starts with R and ends in ay... just to give you a tiny hint... haha, who the hell am i kidding... we all know damn well who came before pooh head.. ahhaa. anyway, ya know, i used to pray every night... no, i'm serious EVERY night, for like a year... i used to pray that no matter what happened in our relationship, whether we were friends or whether we never talked to each other ever again... i used to pray that god would take all of the feelings that i had for him and put them in his heart so that they could be like a little lump of golden glowing coal, and they would pulse warmth through his body, so that no matter what happened to him... no matter what hard times he went through, he would always have that, and it would cheer him up. Ya know how sometimes even though everything is going wrong, sometimes you can't explain it, but sometimes you feel strangely calm, like everything is going to be okay. well i used to ask god to give him that. To use how much i cared about him to give him that feeling. I used to say "he doesn't ever have to know where it's coming from, i just want him to have it". You know one day, i can't remember when, but about a year ago or so, quite a while back... i was giving ray a ride home from somewhere... maybe from tanning.. and he told me something pretty crazy... he had something shitty going on in his life at the time, i can't remember what exactly, but i told him i was sorry to hear it and everything... and he said something like... nah, don't worry about it... i don't know why but i'm not too worried about it.. it's wierd but things just don't seem to bother me that much. i can't remember exactly what he said but it was something to that extent, maybe something even like i just always still feel good/happy or something like that. Now keep in mind that this is long after i used to pray for him. I mean i actually still did, just not very often, in fact i actually still do... just every once in a while. Anyway, i couldn't believe it... all the sudden i just thought of all the times i prayed for him... and i wondered if there was any way in the world that could actually be possible. Could all of my prayers actually have ANYTHING to do with that??? all i could manage to get out when he said that was... "huh... wierd" it's silly but i swear i got embarassed and wondered if he knew... if there was any way that he COULD know about it. haha, it was stupid i guess, cause of course there was no way he could know.. but i was so freaked cause he just happened to say somehting about it to me, i thought for sure he knew. but that's impossible. i don't know... but here's something else that's pretty wierd. I remember he was always dissing on kj about emily... and i always knew that it wasn't that he REALLY thought kj should be single, it was just that he was jealous that he didn't have anyone he could be that close to or share something like that with... so that night.. (it was actually after we had watched a volleyball or basketball game or something together, the three of us, and ray was giving kj some major shit about having a girlfriend and stuff) i remember that i prayed that night, that he would find a girl that he would like as much as i liked him... i mean... sorta like that... i can't actually use the words that i really said to god... but anyway, that's not important... so then i kid you not... like a week later he started dating dara.... it was insane... and then i started praying that she would be the girl that he would be crazy about... and seriously, it happened... but now i wonder if i really had anything to do with that... i mean of course not... but sometimes i feel like crap, because if i did have anything to do with that, then that means that i'm pretty much responsible for ray getting his heart smashed... if it hadn't been for me then he wouldnt' have gotten so hurt. but of course, i know that it really didn't have anything to do with me. But just in case, next time i'll have to include that the girl will feel the same way back... duh! anyway, the wierdest thing of all is this... i can't feel like that with poop face. I can't. I mean, gosh, i guess it's just cause he treated me so horribly during all of this. I mean ray actually cared how i felt and tried to make it easier for me... but pooh head was just so damn selfish. Gosh, from the very night it happened. And then i want to believe that he was only being so distant because it was so hard on him too... to lose what we had... but he sure did a good job at hiding it. I mean, he honestly seemed from the very night like he really just didn't give a shit. How he could write that stuff to me, and then not give a flying fuck about me not even two months later.. god, that just kills me. i think that alone keeps me from praying. How could god have done that. Why?? i was being so faithful. How could he do that to me. It hurts soo bad. You have no idea. to this day, i can't get over that. Somebody once told me "what happened, happened." he was a very smart guy.... also a selfish ass hole. i would show you the horror of what makes me so hurt, the star of all my nightmares, my mind's black obsession, but to tell you the truth, putting it on here, would mean i would have to see it again... and frankly, it's just not worth it. I just can't handle it. alfie i might show you, just so you can cheer me up by being bitchy and putting him down and using all your clever word usage to make fun of him until i feel better (not that putting him down makes me feel better, it's just that seeing that my friends would do that for me, it just feels nice that they care about me that much, that's all) Anyway, gosh, i swear, i always start these damn things off being all happy, and it somehow always goes down the poop shoot. (eww... that's disgusting... who the hell thought up that phrase?? and more importantly why the hell did i just use it??) anyway, so today i'm gonna try to salvage this damn entry (damn... guess that's my word of the day) so anyway, despite what it sounds like i actually had a great day... it just has to end in tears like all the others... you understand. Anyway... wow, i just realized some of the people that might read this that i kinda forgot about... ooops... well guys... here's the real me. Anyway, so we dropped off the kids at school (that just made me think of dropping the kids off at the pool... yet another crude expression that i felt the need to include... but anyway, i'm pretty sure we did that too...together... haha) ... and mrs. hwang saw a sign that said "vancouver, b.c." so she asked, "is that talking about canada?" so i said yes. so she said, so where do you do to get to canada the other way... cause there are two ways from seattle (driving to vancouver or the ferry to victoria) so i said, oh well do you want me to show you?? and she said sure. we had lots of time to kill. so i took her to the ports where all the ferries leave from and i went to port 69 (yeah, pretty funny huh... ya freakin perv!) anyway, she asked me to park so we could go ask them some questions about the ferry... so i said okay... then i parked... duh. so long story short... she spent $2000 to buy 3 day/2 night packages overnight in victoria and vancouver for all 7 of us!!!!! we are apparently going to canada this saturday at 6 in the morning!!!! (the ferry actually leaves at 7:30 but we have to be there at 6:30 blah blah blah...) so pretty amazing huh!??? So i guess i get to go see canada after all! yippee!!!!!!!!!!! well, i'm extradinarily tired... so good night. sorry i'm such a cry baby.
p.s. I don't think i have to worry about anyone important reading this (except maybe ross) cause i'm pretty sure they don't want to waste their time reading this crap. esp when it's so massive.
p.p.s. also i had a brownie today... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahahaha!!!! i'm killing myself here!!!!
p.p.p.s. yeah, that was for you sweet thang *WINK* ;)